|(Photo by Shawna Weidenbach)|
Guest Post Written by: Linda (First Degree Dedicant, Coven of Sangha-Sho)
So.... I've been thinking about fear a lot. I think it's been on my mind watching the affiliates now, remembering all of my own fears I had at that time. I'm thinking about things I'm confronting during my own First degree studies. I'm thinking about conversations I've had with people recently.
There is so much fear of the unknown... all sorts of "what if". There's fear in "What if they find out ______?" "What if I can't _______?" "What if I never_____?" (Fill in your own blanks) Or the Grandaddy of them all, "What if I make a mistake?" And I just laugh ruefully at myself and say, "You're the one who signed up for this." Yup. I did. I'm the one who told myself there has to be a different way, a better way, a more loving, compassionate, spiritual way to live my life. And I get so pissed sometimes when I have to call myself out on it. And the reason I can call myself out on it is because in the time I have spent with you, I have revealed my secrets, I have said "I can't do this" or "I don't understand", I have made mistakes, and I may never ever in a million years become the person I think I want to be, or the person you want me to be. That is scary stuff.
And, when all of these things happened, did anyone laugh at my suffering, cackle with glee over some minor infraction in Coven Protocol? Nope. Has it all been sunshine and roses? Nope. But it has NEVER been as bad as I could have imagined it to be. It is still scary as hell. Because the fact is a lot of us have been/still are scared. Scared from trauma, abuse, malice, abandonment, loss, betrayal... the list is unbearably long. But something I realized recently is that, if I'm scared, I recognize SOMETHING there that's making me scared. And if you know there's a "thing", I've at least recognized it. If I recognize it, I can put a name or a feeling or a face to it. By doing that, I've acknowledged it. And if I acknowledge it, I can at least make a decision- fight, run, or ask for help. None of these decisions are wrong. No one is better than another. Whatever the decision, it's mine, and it is what I need to do at that moment.
What I decide in that moment is indicative of trust. Do I trust that the worst will happen or trust that I am stronger than I thought? Trust is faith. Our faith is what brought us together, it is our bond. That bond guarantees you will never be alone in your fear, or your pain. There will always be a hand to steady you, to help you find your balance.
It is always within reach.
And I trust myself to always remember that.